First connections of the second year!

I will start out with my celebrations because I'm trying this new thing this year to not beat myself up about all of my shortcomings and failures. I know that there is a lot to celebrate this year, especially because I am personally and emotionally in a better place. I have also been blessed with a class full of sweet, nice students who treat me kindly. One of my biggest celebrations that definitely arises in my connections this month is my courage in changing the curriculum and teaching what I am passionate about. Although there are still a lot of ways in which I need to make my curriculum relevant and meaningful to my students, I am taking more steps than I was last year in pulling out the big, important themes and teaching what I think will be powerful and relevant. This is hard because it requires a lot of trust to be put into yourself, and it requires you to go against the status quo. There have been times in which I have doubted myself and have worried about pacing or covering everything or doing something that would be frowned upon. But I am in the process of not only trusting myself as a teacher, but also trusting the research that I have studied and the knowledge that I have acquired through this program.

One of the patterns that emerged this month was the constant back and forth of feeling confident one day about the changes that I was making in my curriculum (especially Social Studies) but then the next day I would feel self-conscious and think that I'm not keeping up on my pacing and I won't be able to cover all of the standards by the end of the year. But this leads to the value that I am trying to put on being a responsive teacher. Although part of this is about being culturally responsive, I am also trying to be responsive to my kids' interests, personality, and their ability levels. I have been working at a slower pace in most of my subjects (with the exception of Math and ELA -- I'm definitely riding the struggle bus in those subjects). Last year I really struggled with this incessant need to plow right through the standards, even if the kids weren't grasping the material, because I wanted to keep up with my team's pacing guide. But this year I'm taking things at a much slower pace, which I'm finding to be difficult for me but necessary for my students. Especially in reading and writing, I have been trying to model the long and detailed process of becoming a better reader and writer, instead of just zipping through the standards that they are supposed to master by the end of the year. I have prioritized their reading and writing stamina so that they are able to independently read and write with confidence. I know that I need to sustain this comprehensive and slower pace so that my students value the writing and reading process and the amount of time that they need to put into reading and writing. I hope to continue this in reading and writing and hopefully incorporate this into my math and ELA time.

I think the area in which I need the most support and guidance is in my application of the larger lessons that I have learned. I am a pretty good reflector and am able to analyze my practice, but what is often the more gradual part of the process is actually changing what I am doing/saying and replacing it with something better, more responsive, etc. I sometimes have trouble letting go of my old ways of thinking, talking, and teaching, and it's a long process in figuring out who I am as a teacher and how I can actually make tangible what I believe about teaching. I so badly want to make my classroom more student-centered, but I find myself leading and talking through most of the lessons. I still struggle with my tendency to seize control and make sure that things in the way I think they SHOULD happen. I know that this letting go of control requires trusting students and being flexible when things don't go the way you think they should.

This year my coursework in GSU has definitely challenged me to think of new ways in which I can alter my teaching to become a more inspiring, empowering teacher. I have been thinking a lot about the potential power of my action research/TICC project, which scares and inspires me at the same time. I have no idea where that is going to go, but I'm excited about my students leading the way on this (which will definitely require my giving up of control, haha). I have also been super challenged by our math class and how we are learning that we should not be explicitly teaching much of anything in math (which I'm still grappling with). CGI is the ultimate constructivist model and it's exciting to think of my kids being empowered by having their mathematical strategies being honored and represented in math class. I'm still wondering about how to make CGI a permanent part of my math curriculum, and I'm excited about making more strides in that area.

As is every month, this month was full of ups and downs, celebrations and failures. It's a challenge to focus on the positive parts of my practice and think about all of the progress that I have made since last year, while not ignoring the parts of my practice in which I need to grow and expand. I feel more excited and more hopeful about change this year, because I know change is possible and improvement and growth is something that is attainable. I know that I need to sustain positive thoughts with myself and with my kids so that my classroom does not become a place of negativity like it did last year. Every morning during the moment of silence, I pray and meditate upon this statement: Today your goal is to make every one of your kids feel loved and good enough (which then translates to me believing that I am loved and good enough).